A friend once said, “How many pills should I take to die?”

I’ve had suicide thoughts before, too. I’ve cut myself and hid it under my watch. There’s this ointment I used that made the scars disappear, but the thoughts were still there. I’ve cried too many times before. I had to change my pillowcase twice every time I cried so my mother won’t notice, but the pain was still there. I used to spend an hour in the shower to think my life out. I had a long list of plans on my mind that I was supposed to scratch off soon. Those moments in the shower was my War Room where I thought of the possible future and thought of possible solutions. But none of the plans I made were done and none of the possible futures I thought of happened.

I’ve always wondered how things were never my way. How things were not the way I wanted them. They always turned out to be different and realistic while the plans I made was too good to be true. The plans I made was too impossible to happen.

I’ve hated dreams. They gave me illusions of things that wasn’t happening. They were addicting and dangerous. Dreams were the poison of my childhood. I wished I never dreamed big so that I learned to save money and give it to my mother today.

If I ever have the chance to talk to my 5-year-old self, I’ll tell her to just study and earn money.

I told my friend that it might depend on the pill’s dosage for her to die. And if she wants to die, she could just cut herself. It’s way easier. Easier said than done, guys.
If she wants to die, I’ll support her. Now, she looks worn out. She hasn’t eaten nor drunk any liquid the whole day. She had a slight fever this morning but I think it’s currently increasing. She doesn’t want to eat, she prefers to walk home, and she wants to die.

Whatever she has, whatever she had, it’s deep inside. Somewhere I’d love to fix, but I can’t and I won’t. Because it’s either only she can fix, or someone else that’s meant to fix it.

All I will do is wait and stay by her side. Whatever she does depends on her decision. I don’t want to be the one to tell her what to do and whatnot to do. She’s an intelligent young woman whose spiritually dead, mentally drained, and emotionally done. She’s a strong and independent individual who will do anything to survive. She’s survived a lot of trials already. She can survive this one on her own, too.

I don’t think her problem’s the suicide. It might be something else, something that have affected her far too long.

I think I’ve said my side already. I hope she’ll tell someone her side.


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